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There are, according to John C. Maxwell, five levels of influence – each with their own rights and each with their power to influence.

Level 1 – Position – This is when you have the positional authority (aka power) over someone else and they have to follow because of the power relationship. The most familiar situation when this is displayed is between children and their parent – in the never ending cycle of “why do I have to?” the exasperated parent running short of arguments or more frequently, time, responds “because I said so!” never an effective nor motivational response, but it sums up how leaders finally resort to this positional power to cause someone else to have to do something.

Level 2 – Permission – based on relationships – where people follow because they want to as they have a good relationship with you

Level 3 – Production – based on results that you have demonstrably achieved for the organisation. People follow because of what you have done for the organisation

Levels 4 – People Development – based on reproduction – people follow because of what you have done for them personally. This is the top level for most people and is only achieved with those you have personally developed – though your reputation for enabling others to excel will allow a superior level 3 (results)

Level 5 – Person-hood - based on respect – sadly very very few people will ever achieve this. Though its the level that many aspire to have or rather believe in themselves that others should simply respect them (usually these are disenfranchised level 1 leaders who demand ‘respect’ from authority rather than earn the genuine respect and admiration of others through their actions and continual display of care and concern for others, the organisation and standing up for forthright and important values.

Your ability to influence others is often misunderstood at best, and reliant on ‘luck’ at worst. Few leaders in the world understand their position of influence with each of their constituents and fewer still, work a deliberate plan to increase their influential effectiveness with others.

As human beings, we can choose to be at cause and in charge of a very large number of factors within our brains that affect the way we behave in any given context.

Let me take you through an simplified example of how our brain processes external events, then you can identify what must be happening inside your own mind.

You intend to play a game of golf this morning. You arise, look out of the window and see grey skies and a little rain falling.

What happens now depends on your previous experience right?

The external event is visual – you see the clouds and rain. It is auditory – you hear the rain hitting the ground, roof and so on. When you step outside, it is kinaesthetic, you will feel the water hitting you, the air will smell fresh(er), you may even taste the rain. You will feel the cooler air. You know that it is raining.

Obvious right? Sure? Ok then, how do you know it is raining? That’s right. You’ve experienced it before. You have processed the data ‘sensed’ from the external environment, passed these experiences through your brain which has tallied the sensory experiences with a similar event in the past (or a combination of events) and applied a word or phrase which adequately describes the external event for you.

You will also realise that different people will react differently to this exact same external event and use different words or phrases to describe the situation. If you are in the UK it’s possible that a phrase such as “miserable weather”, “drizzle”, “slight rain”, “downpour” would be used. it is also likely that your tine of voice would be suggestive of dissatisfaction, or unhappiness, or resignation or something similar. If, on the other hand, you were a golf course manager whose course desperately needed water, you’d likely use different words and express a tone of relief, happiness, pleasure. Same event, different behaviours manifest… because the context has changed.

Let’s dig a little deeper. When we experience an external event through our senses, the incoming data stream that hits our eyes, ears, skin, nostrils, tongue registers in the millions of bits of data. All of this data is coming to us and our brains restrict the amount of data that is processed – typically a human being processes between 5 and 9 chunks of data at once – averaging 7 chunks of data and around 300-500 kbits of data (?? check numbers) We have filtered the incoming data stream and reduced the volume of data requiring processing. We ignore all the other data. Unconsciously we have chosen which data to process. So how do we filter?

Some of the data that we accept for processing is not important to us. Based on our previous experiences, we delete that data which we consider is not relevant. (Husbands, ask your wife about this – you do it all the time. Wives, you’re right, it appears that husbands don’t listen, that’s because they think it is not relevant – it is done unconsciously).

Some of the data that we have chosen to process, does not quite fit with our preferred experiences and we distort it to our preferences. That is, we bias our fresh data with past experiences.

Some of the data we process is recognised as a momentary event – you might say that we don’t really have sufficient data to be certain about this reality, so we generalise – again based on our previous experiences.

All of this non-deleted, distorted generalised dat is processed through our own language, memories, decisions, values and beliefs, attitudes and our very personal way of deleting, distorting and generalising.

This process then provides us with our very own, unique internal representation of the external event.

It is based on this internal representation that is influenced by and influences out internal state (the way we feel) which in turn triggers changes in our physiology and the behaviour we exhibit.

Wow! And that all happens in nano-seconds!

So what’s wrong with that? Absolutely nothing. Our brains are phenomenal organs and more powerful than any computer is or can ever be.

The important point here is to understand that we filter, in our own unique way, the external events occurring around us all the time. No two individuals will see exactly the same external event (they even experience it form different places in time and place), and even if they were in exactly the same spot – they would have a different internal representation of the same event. Each individuals changes in physiology will be different (maybe very subtle, but different nonetheless) and no two individuals will behave in exactly the same way as a result.

The good news is that you can leverage some control over your own filters. The even better news is that, we can learn how the great players, the great leaders, those people that you most admire, filter similar external events.

The truly great news is that you can apply some, or all of the same filters into your processing.

You may not be able to physically swing like Tiger, or Nick, or Jack, or Seve – but you can think like them. You can process data in a way that is very similar to them. Want to?

When we ask this question in our workouts, we are usually met with blank stares at first. i call them ‘blank stares’ because to be looked at as if you are completely off your trolley isn’t something I choose to reinforce. The first response from that first brave soul suggests that there is no need to influence oneself. Basically, it runs like this: I decide to do something, I tell myself to do it, and I do it. No influence is required. I don’t have to ask myself nicely, or threaten myself with unpleasant consequences, or persuade myself that it will be worthwhile. Really? If we could slow down the thought processes going on, you might think differently.

Let’s take a slightly different approach. I suspect that you have, inside you, at least two ‘voices’ – the pro voice and the con voice. The optimist and the pessimist. The good and the bad. You may have more, you may not consider them as ‘voices’ – that’s OK, I hope that you can work with me on the concept for a little while.

Let’s say that this is two radio stations, 55.5 and 66.6. The first station on 55.5 is supportive – bolstering your ego, always proud of you and your achievements. The second, on 66.6 is the doubter, always casting doubts in your mind, running you down, always suggesting that others are trying to get you, that you should not listen to 55.5, it always lets you down – you never realise the dreams that 55.5 suggests. 66.6 reminds you of the difficulties you had the last time you tried to do this or that. How nothing ever works for you, that it’s all about luck and fate and chance and that you just are not a lucky person. If you buy a lottery ticket, you will always miss by one number at best. That nobody else deserves to win anything either. Basically, this is a bad voice.

I can see some of you nodding your heads as you read this. Don’t worry, you’re not schizophrenic – this is normal, everyone has this going on. Some days it’s like a continuous debate, others, one or both are quiet with little to say. You know you have a problem when you cannot distinguish between the voices and which of you is real.

So, which station do you tune into?

Here’s the two stations output for a few common golfing scenarios…
66.6

Approaching the first Tee on competition day: ‘Well, it’s a lovely morning with plenty of gusty breezes to knock your ball off centre, and a touch of rain in the air, but very unpredictable whether it’ll rain now or later. You did some good practice yesterday but you know it’ll all go to pieces today don’t you? You know that you always screw up on the first drive and there’s no mulligans today. See your competition today, wow, that first group were good weren’t they. No chance you’ll keep up with them is there. Still, perhaps you can just enjoy the game for a change and not worry about winning or losing – after all you know you’ll lose, so why get your hopes up? Ridiculous game, I don’t know why you bother, should have stayed home and cut the grass. be more useful than out here, being mocked by your friends… oh no, talking of which, there they are, why do they have to come and watch my first drive. They’ll cough or chatter  just as I’m lining up, I know they will. Oh well, my turn now, what a disaster, prepare for the worst and don’t get angry…

First Tee shot: So nicely lined up, but then anyone can put a ball on a tee can’t they. Now settle down, breath, how’s the grip – that instructor why did he have to change my grip, it won’t work. Right align my feet, look up, look down, those people down there, are in my line, why do they have to stand there, don’t they know they could be hit… calm yourself, that’s right, may as well get calm now, because once you hit it there won’;t be any calm left, And if you screw up this drive, it’ll all be downhill for the whole day. never recover, so get this right. Wiggle the bum, yes nice, settle, legs bent just right, what if my weight shifts before I strike then hit those people standing there. i wouldn’t mind hitting that smug bastard – he’s such a flash git. Custom clubs, custom balls, bet he cheats, never puts a foot wrong, wipe that smug grin off his face, I’ll show ‘im. Back swing, nice, but is it right, no of course not, arm down, elbow’s bent at the wrong time, as usual, THWACK….. follow-through may as well let go of the club, it’ll go further anyway.

In spite of this, by some divine intervention, the ball soars through the air and lands smack down the middle of the fairway, 220 yards at least beautifully set up for a second onto the green and a possible birdie: Whoa – didn’t know you had it in you. Nice shot, so lucky, you’d never do that again, not in a month of Sundays.

Still, plenty of time to screw up yet…

ENOUGH!
Sorry, I just can’t write anymore of this – it’s just too depressing. Is this you? And, were you the one who said that they didn’t influence themselves?
55.5 on the same situation…

What a beautiful day, a few gusts, possible rain in the air. Be a good idea to look at the trees as we walk down the course, see where the gusts are going. if it rains, we’ll change clubs and, quick, borrow an umbrella from Jim there, he can pop back and get another from his car. So nice that my friends are here to cheer me on. Great guys. Now I’m going to show them a great drive. I can see it now, smack down the middle of the fairway, perfect for a chip up to the green and a birdie. I can’t wait to pick up that trophy at the end of the day. Good to have some strong competition – nothing better than a real challenge.
First Tee shot: Breath nice and deep, slow my heartbeat and see that drive. A little gusty from left to right over those trees, just align a fraction to the left because this ball’s going to soar above that line. Glove, into the zone. Complete focus, nice alignment, well done, now a beauty practice swing, nice and loose in the shoulders. Firm stance, good lad, check alignment, now trust your swing. THWACK.
In spite of this, by some divine intervention, the ball soars through the air and too far to the left, way over to the left and lands smack down into the rough by the trees, maybe even really in the trees: Beautiful drive, well done, aligned just a little too far left, so we’ll make sure to fix that. I think maybe the wind dropped as well. Nice lay-up for the second shot – I can use that chip techniques I learned from watching Seve on TV, good for a par if I’m really in the rough, and good for a birdie if it’s not too long. Good, well done.

Now, which station do you want to listen to? The one that derides you no matter how great you are, or the one that supports you and encourages you no matter how poor the shot?

“I don’t care” says someone, so long as I hit great shots I’ll put up with either. Fair enough. Which one do you think will help you enjoy your game? Which one will help you towards a stroke lying ill in bed feeling miserable and no-one coming to visit because you don’t even like yourself, let alone anyone else?

Extreme? Sadly no. Go find the most miserable-faced player in your local club and ask them which station they tune into…

Are you at cause for influencing yourself to greater things or are you at the effect of others, the environment and the outside world. Are you a thermometer, or a thermostat?

In golf, there are only two things that affect your game. Yes, sorry, just the two things. The first is physics. The golf ball, your clubs, the course are all subject to the laws of physics.

You might say that the weather changes the way the ball behaves. Yes indeed it can and does, cool air temperatures effect the turbulence of the air and hence the flight of the ball… just physics.

You might suggest that your swing technique changes the way you strike the ball and hence its direction and distance – yes true – just physics.
The only part of golf that is not directly about physics is the you part – not your technique, strength, everything physical is, well physics. No, the only non-physical part is mental. There are those that will scientifically argue that this too is physics – after all, the mental part is about electrons, neurons etc that obey the laws of physics. Yes this may be true, however, there is an important distinction, you can do nothing about the laws of physics. Not a thing. Rien. Zip. Nada. Naff all. Zero. You can’t change it – you can use it – because the laws of physics don’t change – knowing what physics is at work and how to use that knowledge to increase distance, improve direction and so on – now that’s useful knowledge – see, you now wish that you’d paid more attention in school. The distinction is that the mental part of the game is something that you can change. Yes the neurons and so on that carry the messages and inform the parts of the body to do what they do will do so, because they obey the laws of physics. It is the message that they carry that you can change. Now, since this actually applies to everything in your life it could be a revelatory moment for you in everything.

So, we come back to the basic critical decision point. Are you at cause or effect? Do you cause your golf ball to fly in a particular direction? Yes, of course you do. Do you allow your playing partner to effect your playing? Do you allow the weather to effect your playing? The answer is that all things going on in your surroundings will effect your playing – because they effect your mental attitude, they effect the message that you send to your muscles.

How much you allow external events to effect your playing is your choice.
It’s important to preface this section with a reminder that everyone, every single human being has a choice to do something, or not do it. To learn something, or not to. Everything we do in  this life is a choice. Yes, there are many many (far too many) people on this planet who do not have a good choice – or a ‘real’ choice. There are, too many people who’s struggle for life overwhelms their choices in life. The choice to live or die in such circumstances, is however difficult or impossible, still a choice. Please realise that I am not denigrating anyone here, nor am I saying it’s easy simply because I assert that they have a choice. I simply want to ensure that you have a mindset that you can be at choice. Improving the opportunities for choice for the millions of those with little real choice is another matter entirely.

So, if you are at choice, which frequency do you listen, cause or effect?
How you influence others is somewhat obvious, but how you influence yourself is perhaps a little more obscure. We will take the obvious route first and then apply it to self. In the Mind Advantage, we are very strongly focussing on your self-leadership – how you lead yourself to greatness in golf. In our workouts on the Leadership advantage, this section is much bigger and meatier – because leadership is pretty much all about influencing others.

Influence is a two-way street. Everything you do and say has some influence on others – you are part of their external environment. You even exert a small degree of gravitational force on others, indeed, you exert gravitational force on the planet! Not a lot admittedly, but your mass does attract other mass. You knew that you should have paid attention in science class now. Just as aside, it’s quite a useful factoid for use when you have gained a few pounds of weight – you do so in order to become more attractive! That’s put paid to the glamour magazines.

The same is trues for other people exerting their influence over you. Everything that other people say or do is a part of your external environment and that exerts an influence in turn over your behaviour.

The external environment beyond other human beings, also has some influence over you. The weather for example – when it is raining, it is quite likely that you would alter your ‘normal’ behaviour by carrying an umbrella, or wearing a rain-proof coat. You know for sure that the weather can have a major influence over your golf. When there is lightening, you would wisely move away from the fairways under the trees or into the clubhouse. Being struck by lightening is one influence that everyone can do without.

The problem with influence is that human beings have a tendency to assume that there is little you can do to change the way something influences you. Well, let me put this straight. You can and you do.
Let us take an example of something that influences us and we do something about it  – almost fight its influence on our lives. One that affects us all and that is our friend gravity. You see, gravity is ever present in our lives – there are a few exceptions but since that involves  travelling into space I think I can safely assume that does not include you. If, by chance you have travelled into space – my question is – how far can you hit a drive out there? Must be awesome.

Back to earth. Gravity is a pretty constant force acting on our bodies – in order to combat the effects of gravity we develop muscles and utilise energy to stand against it. Only when we are physically damaged – break a leg, twist an ankle, suffer paralysis and so on, do we truly appreciate how much effort is involved in keeping our body upright and moving. When we are reasonably fit and well, we think little or nothing of getting up from a chair and walking, and most of the time, we do all this unconsciously. We have programmed our brain to take care of operating the correct muscles, keeping balance, walking, and all the while supplying those muscles and cells with energy through breathing and circulating our blood. Now, if you had to consciously work out how to do all this stuff that we simply take for granted, you’d not have a great deal of time to think about much else – at least, not consciously.

What’s the point of this? Well, it’s simple really – there are many many things occurring in your life, including when you practice and play golf, that influence your behaviour. Some things we cannot change – gravity, weather, daylight, animals etc. and we can choose to what extent we allow such to affect us and our behaviours. We can choose to be at cause for ourselves or at the effect of the environment and others. In other words, I’m disabling your potential for ‘excuses’.

These five attitudes form the basis of an effective and prosperous life. You do not have to believe them to be true – you just have to ACT as if they are true. You will gain enormous and wonderful new perspective on your golf game, your leadership at work, at home, at school, at college, at life.

People can change anything = I can change my golf swing/habits/putting/handicap
People are NOT their behaviours = I am myself, they are them-self – their behaviour means something else
The meaning of communication is the response you get = I can tell myself exactly what I DO want
There is no failure, only feedback = I enjoy making mistakes, it allows me to learn more
Respect the other person’s model of the world = I perceive that I hit perfect drives every time and that’s my reality

The greatest change you can rapidly bring about with these attitudes is to turn negative feelings into neutral or even positive feelings. In our workshops we run an exercise with these attitudes and it is one of the most powerful and emotive moments. The number of people I’ve worked with who after years and years of holding onto a false-belief as a result of an attitudinal problem find enormous relief, is staggering. With these attitudes, you can take a fresh look at all of life’s problems and issues. Everything that has seemed for so long to be insurmountable, can and is changed when you act as if these attitudes are true.

You know those times, when you tell someone something and they don’t get it? So you tell them again. and sometime again. And they still don’t get it. Who has the problem? You or them?

I hope by now that you’re realising that it’s you. They don’t have a problem, they don’t get it (oh. and by the way, that’s their problem!)

Communication is NOT telling. Communication often involves talking, but it is a two-way process – it requires listening and observing as well. You explain something in such a manner that the receiver is able to fully understand what it is that you are explaining.

Take, for example, your golf instructor. She explains how to improve your swing, demonstrates the process and guides you, often physically by straightening your elbow, pushing your hips, widening your stance and so on. You continue this and slowly, gradually, as she sees that you have ‘got it’, will tell and show, less and less. Now that is communication. How well you continue to improve your swing is the response you are giving to that communication. If you do not improve, then the communication is lacking.

All of us have our own preferred ways of communicating. Some people like to use pictures for example – we create pictures with words and with our hands and bodies. Others prefer something more concrete – we need to walk through the swing – feel it in our muscles. Others prefer sound, and are quite happy for you to speak to them only. Others like music in the background, or a beat to swing to. Some people like to know what is possible, others prefer to know what is necessary. Some people like to improve whilst others prefer to not be a bad player.

Each of us has a small armoury of ways in which we can communicate – and it is our job to use that armoury, or toolset if you prefer, to the best of our abilities. If the response you get is not the one that you wanted, then it is your job to effectively communicate. Notice that in English language, we are not ‘communicated at’.

We will look at communication in detail in the Outcome Based communication chapter. For the moment, if you act as if the statement “The meaning of communication is the response you get” is true – then you will move from being at effect, to being at cause – and now you can do something about it.

Let me show you another example, where our communication (or lack thereof) is interpreted and causes an unexpected response. It’s to do with something called ‘complex equivalence’ where X=Y.
He doesn’t buy me flowers anymore = He doesn’t love me anymore
The husband is completely at a loss – this is often silent communication as well. He hasn’t got a clue what he’s done wrong (see more complex equivalence going on ‘She’s not talking to me=I’ve done something wrong’ (Although this is probably experience coming to the fore.)

You’ll hear this quite frequently in suppositions about another person… “He doesn’t care if he wins or loses”, “Really, why’s that?” “Because he never loses his temper when he loses”. Therefore, Doesn’t lose temper=doesn’t care. Tommy rot! I care deeply if I lose, doesn’t mean that I have to lose my temper about it.

And, whilst we’re on the subject, Bending your club around a tree is not a demonstration of how much you care passionately about making mistakes, or missing shots – it simply shows a lack of control.

This attitude applies to self-talk as well. Remember earlier we discussed how  your unconscious self-talk in regard to your beliefs and vision will manifest in your actions? If you communicate to yourself to make sure that you do (not) hit the ball into the woods and the ball goes beautifully into the trees… it is no more, and no less than the response to your own internal communication. Why worry about communicating with others if we can’t communicate with ourselves to get what we want?

Lets move this away from you for a moment as I know this is difficult for the virgin. Let’s say for the moment that your close friend has a ‘wayward’ son. A teenager dressed in grubby jeans, a haircut that suggests an alien stylist, colours that jar the eyes running with the local mob of ne’er do wells. Your friend laments to you that they are at their wits end and don’t know how to ‘get the boy back on the right track’. You like the lad, and tell your friend that you’ll ‘have a word’ and see if you can help in anyway.

Sometime later, you bump into the young lad and get chatting. The lad, reluctantly at first, and then more fluently pours out his heart to you – how his parent (your friend) is so controlling, so old-school, such a … You are surprised, this can’t be the same person he’s talking about… you tell him this.

Who’s got the right perception? Your friend, the son, or you? That’s right. All of you! Three completely different perceptions of the same situation and… they’re all correct! For the people holding the perception.

Ask the police. 20 people are eye-witnesses to a car-accident. 20 statements are taken and there are 20 variations of exactly the same event.

Ah, I hear you say – yes well, different viewpoints… Exactly. It’s what we perceive that is our reality.

Back to our peer group. If you perceive that they do not accept you, do not connect with you. That is your reality. Can you change reality? Of course, just change your perception of it and reality changes. I’m not suggesting Ostrich-like behaviour and burying your head in the sand (works for the Ostrich – have you ever seen an Ostrich hit a bad drive?) I am suggesting that you can change your attitude by acting as if it were true, and thence change reality.

There are some fundamental needs that drive our attitudinal behaviours – more about the why’s and wherefore in the chapter on Motivation. Here I’d like to pick up on one aspect of motivation that can radically change behaviour. There are some real big changes in someone’s life that result in a major shift in mindset and I’ll briefly discuss them here, then move onto the more commonly experienced change that changes behaviours.

Two big needs for human beings are the need for survival and the need for security. When an individual’s survival is at stake – their behaviour will change dramatically if necessary to ensure survival. The most compelling stories of survival are of women finding themselves able to lift trucks off their run-over child. Threaten our survival and our fear kicks into play. fear – unlike anger – is an emotion and state that has a perfectly good chemical system working in our body to rely on. This does not mean irrational fear – fear that is unnecessary such as phobias – but fear that threatens survival. This we need to keep – just in case.

The second big need that can cause massive behaviour change is security. If our security is threatened (extrapolate to survival) most people will fight to defend it. War is the classic example of this – when your homeland is invaded, your prior acceptance of the invader is quickly dispelled and many people are prepared to kill if necessary to protect their security. For those of you who might like to take me to task on this, I can be absolutely certain that your own security has never been threatened.

If either of these basic needs are threatened, well you won’t be playing golf will you. Might be a better way to resolve wars though.

Human beings share a need to belong. We all have a desire to feel accepted and of worth to our society (as in our social circle extending for many to society at large.) From early childhood, we have an in-built need for acceptance and connection with other humans – we are social animals. We want love and caring from our parents, our friends, our family. We crave ‘fitting-in’ at school or at work with our peer group.

Without such acceptance and connection in our group – we will seek it elsewhere. For a few, they seek that acceptance alone – might seem odd to some of you, but on your own, your mind creates its own group – and sometimes even they don’t accept you. For others, they will seek acceptance in other groups – well like joining a golf club for instance – here you meet and socialise and play with people who share something in common with you… they play golf. If you take a quick tour of your closest friends and associates you’ll find there’s even more in common. This is why people join gangs – especially those who find little or no acceptance in their families. Keeping in the gang becomes increasingly important – and gangs – especially gangs of youths earn themselves a bad reputation in greater society because they consistently cross the values of that greater society – they pitch themselves against it to form a stronger bonding between the members. It doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, but it partially explains it. So, a little aside, if you have kids or family members who’re members of a notorious gang – you can do something about it – and I don’t mean tell them! I mean show them you care and accept them for who they are and their values. I digress, but some of these snippets have changed peoples lives dramatically.

Our need to belong is profound. Our understanding of this is important in developing our maturity as a person. You have your own needs for acceptance and connection. This includes your work and your golf. Not to be taken lightly, your needs are part of the reason for playing golf at all. If you play badly, your own sense of self worth is hurt – play too badly and your friends may not want to continue playing with you, play too well and the same may be true. If your connection with your friends is important to you, you’ll play to keep in with the group.

Let me tell you about my squash group of friends. I play squash – not terribly well and not terribly either. I play it for the social reasons I’ve suggested above and for exercise. I enjoy the game, it’s very different to golf and I hate to go jogging – so it sort of fits for me. After playing regularly every Sunday morning before Church for several years, I decided that I was getting fed-up of being beaten in sets – I was worried that my friends would tire of easily beating me – that I wasn’t enough competition to maintain their interest. So I took some lessons from the club pro. Fantastic, pushed my stamina levels much higher, lengthened my stride and strengthened my wrist-play (did not, by the way help my golf swing rather dented it for a while!) We continued to play for a few weeks and then one by one, my friends couldn’t make our regular game. Just as I was beginning to win! I was upset for a while – and rapidly gaining weight (compensation?) You see, it turned out that far from my friends being insufficiently challenged by my play, they enjoyed it… I was that one person they could regularly beat. Oh well. I have new squash friends now – ones that enjoy being challenged and enjoy challenging and want to improve themselves. As for the old group? Well I too have a need to belong, to be accepted, to be connected but I’m buggered if I’m going to sink to the level of playing a crap game for someone else’s ego… maturity (?) with a little childishness for good measure ☺

There’s a need for us to belong, but there’s also a need for us to maintain our ‘self-worth’. If the two are in conflict, one will win over the other. When you allow your self-worth to be dictated by others – you have just lost control of your destiny.

When you were younger, you succeeded at something – possibly something sports related. You did well and this helped you find a sense of ‘self’. This in turn, helped you strengthen your self-image. Doubtless there were other activities that weakened your self-image. It’s quite likely that those activities that increased your self-image are things you remember fondly and continue to do. Those that harmed your sense of self-image, you recall less than fondly, and probably don’t continue. If you do, you’ve possibly just realised why you’re unhappy.

And there’s the rub. If your peer group doesn’t accept you, doesn’t connect with you – this causes distress which will manifest itself in some behaviour – usually negative behaviour. The more problematic aspect of this is that it is not whether your peer group accepts you or connects with you. It is whether you perceive that they do or do not that matters. Your perception = your reality.

If you genuinely believe that you are focusing on your target and you align yourself correctly, and yet you push the ball, or pull the ball away from the line of target. What do you do? Berate yourself for slicing or hooking? Bad move! Welcome the opportunity to learn what it was that you did, because there is going to come a shot where you want to hook it, or slice it around a tree? Excellent!

Learn from it – take joy in learning something. If it’s a consistent problem for you… then you can choose, go get some instruction from a good pro to improve your technique, learn how to re-align yourself to compensate (not so good but Gary Player had a peculiar swing to compensate for his clubs), or – very rarely – get your clubs fixed. If per chance you go to a pro who immediately tells you that you need a new set of clubs, then go elsewhere – it may be true (you can always go back later) but an expensive driver does not a golfer make. Think back to our car driving analogy – you’ve seen someone driving a Ferrari badly and someone else driving a Toyota very well? Of course it’s always worth checking your clubs for dints and dents, even Toyota’s break down (yeah but less often than Ferraris!) Of course anyone from that esteemed motor company that would like to prove the reliability of their vehicles on a personal level – I’m very happy to accept the challenge